love letter to erik #5

good morning, good morning!  

it is a good morning indeed, the first i've managed to get through without tears. it's because it's joan's birthday today. it was so sad, so painful when she passed away so suddenly 3 years ago. that unbearable heartache has now turned to comfort knowing you two are together celebrating with the most ginormous dark chocolate cake, and you are both surrounded by all the angels helping her blow out the million plus candles lit just for her. this vision brings a smile to my face, a comfort i had not felt before, and it is what i will hold in my heart as i go about my day.

the time with joan was much too short as well, a reminder that our existence here on earth is temporary, and we need to embrace every moment, to live without restrictions, boundaries, expectations nor conditions. when we finally took that leap, you and i, just over a year ago, we held hands, closed our eyes, took a deep breath and jumped knowing the universe will provide. first thing in the morning, we went and got our hair buzzed to commemorate a new beginning. remember that? the smiles on our faces says it all.

the sense of freedom we had was greater than anything we'd experienced before. we could now imagine beyond what we were previously capable of. the possibilities were endless, and we felt giddy with excitement. the only problem we had was how to choose amongst all the dreams we've had, which one to pursue first, second, third, etc. you chose to volunteer with tracc for marine conservation, and in the process, became a dive master (no small feat at the age of 50!), and FINALLY realized a dream you've had for so long. i chose to finally FINALLY explore my spirituality, which had been knocking on the door of my mind, body and soul for some time.

pursuing our individual dreams meant that we needed to spend time apart so we were not forcing each other to compromise, but the time apart was so good in that we cherished every telephone conversation and every moment we spent together when we'd meet on visa runs.  

neither one of us knew what was coming. would we have done things differently if we had? i've ask myself if the pain and heartache would be any less if we had spent 50 years together, 100 years together? how long would we have needed to spent together for your passing to not hurt? and do i regret having taken that leap? would this have been avoided if we had settled in somewhere and lived conventional "safe" lives?

the sparkle in your eyes, the passion in your heart, the love you felt for your pom pom family and the marine life whenever we talked tells me it was well worth it. it was better for you to have had that, no matter how fleeting, than to never have had it at all. i take much comfort in that. it's like manuka honey for my broken heart, sweet and healing, which i'll apply over and over again…

xo talor