good morning my love,
hope you've been checking your Facebook page regularly. the messages of love, the tributes and beautiful photos keep coming in an endless stream of adoration, and you are worthy of each and every one of them!
this morning, opened my eyes and in that half-asleep, half-awake moment, turned to say good morning to find you weren't there lying next to me. hit me like a ton of bricks that this is the new normal, and for a good long while i couldn't breathe as the tears rolled down my face, and i gasped for air. something told me to reach for the phone, and when i turned it on, i saw your smile. soon enough my breathing returned, and i felt i could get out of bed. was that you telling me what to do? it worked!
last night, slept fitfully. woke up several times to mosquitos eating away at me. why am i telling you this since you already know i'm a mosquito magnet? because it was a reminder that the world doesn't stop revolving because of what's happened. life goes on, and i need to too. it's a reminder that as i eat and take nourishment from other living things, i am also food for other living things. it's all a beautiful cycle of life, death, and re-birth.
last night, the pom pom angels (alana, christine, natalie) and i took gifts to the hospital. a big basket of snacks and fruit plus bottles of water for the families of the icu patients who camp out in the waiting area while their loved ones are being treated. we also brought flowers and chocolate to the doctors and nurses who treated you and all their patients with love and kindness round the clock. these ladies spent two days getting everything. christine made beautiful cards, alana wrote heartfelt messages, and natalie translated english to bahasa. it was a true team effort and well worth it because it brought smiles to everyone's faces. just wanted you to know we continue your work, and you continue to touch people if not directly.
today, i will deal with administrative stuff and get things in motion to bring your body back to california for a full body sea burial, as you wished. i wouldn't call this fun, but it's what i need to keep me focused. it's what i need to keep myself from diving head first into that deep dark bottomless pit no matter how much i want to sometimes. don't worry, these are very short, very temporary bursts that will get better as time goes on.
i'm ok, REALLY.
love you, miss you, miss you SO SO much…