love letter to erik #15

my dearest love,

grief is such a funny thing… one minute i'm feeling ok, going along thinking all is well, and then the next, i am smacked on the side of the head really hard, reminding me that nothing is ok, nothing will be as it was no matter how much i wish it to be. the excruciating pain moves through my body, and as always, lodges itself in the middle of my chest, choking me. it comes and goes, and i imagine it will continue for awhile, but each time, it comes without warning, and i'm caught completely off guard. it leaves me feeling lost, weak, and unable to stand.

this morning as i gasped for air once again, i decided i ain't gonna be having this break me. i need to change things up. despite us having spent 6 months apart, it never prepared me for this. even though i enjoyed that time alone in fremantle, australia, the peace, the quiet, the being on my own schedule, i was constantly thinking of you and most everything was done with you in mind, for our eventual reunion. still slept on the left side no matter how large the bed, tried new recipes for your tastebuds, even my dabbling with home made chocolate was for you because it's so hard to find without the ingredients you are allergic to. never occurred to me that you would leave without tasting it.

i've come to the conclusion that the only way to get past this is to make a fresh start so friday morning i am heading to st. john's, newfoundland canada. why there? not sure but it was the spot on google maps my eye was drawn to. it's surrounded by a body of water so i can stay connected to you, but it's a place we'd never been to before nor have we ever talked about going to. it's a place i don't have memories of us together, a place where i can be talor and not erikandtalor without the erik. it's a place where i can begin to focus on me, establish new routines, start healing the body i've been neglecting too long. it's a place i can try something new, something different, uniquely my own for myself only. i may even get behind the wheel again and explore the territory, which is supposed to be quite gorgeous.

this does not mean i'm going to forget you, which i must admit i do wish i could sometimes but can't because we will always be tied by our red string. it does mean i'm moving on to the next chapter of my life, becoming self sufficient again and stop waiting around til you come back. this is going to be all about ME, but i hope you will come along to watch over me and guide me. at the very least, please explain to me what all those electronic gadgets and cables do that you left behind…

still missing you like crazy,

xo talor